Hermetically Sealed

The other night I was trying to pour some Olive Oil into a pan. After exerting all the human strength I had to twist off the cap, I turned the bottle up and nothing came out. After careful examination, I realized there was yet a second deterrent to using Olive Oil. It was some little plastic thingy with a ring that you pull to open the door to the slippery substance. I wanted to bang the neck of the bottle on the cabinet, break it into jagged pieces and yell, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I nearly gave up Olive Oil. It’s just too much trouble.

The real issue though, is I’d have to give up nearly everything. Every time I open a carton of milk I spill a teaspoon full trying to pull off that damn little plastic thing. Oh and my favorite is ANYTHING in a bottle be it pills or liquid. Even Ketchup for cryin out loud!! That’s right. You STILL have to twist off that damn lid that’s been put on with industrial-strength pliers, pull off the plastic thingy and THEN they have that foil crap stretched over it. I’m sure you’ve seen it. It’s the stuff you try to pull off with your finger nails. That rarely works so I usually try pulling it off with my teeth. When that fails I go for a kitchen knife which invariably leads to the damn thing falling IN the bottle and clogging the very orifice I was trying to open!

So who do we have to thank for everything we consume today being hermetically sealed? This’ll kill ya. We don’t KNOW who! That’s right! In 1982, seven people in Chicago died when they took Tylenol that some bird-brain laced with Cyanide. Whoever the criminal is, he/she was never caught. What did happen is that we have now spent BILLIONS of dollars retooling every machine in the country so that everything you consume is nearly impossible to open. And here’s the kicker. None of it is any safer than it was in 1982.

I’m no brain surgeon by any stretch of the imagination and I can think of AT LEAST one way to contaminate every bottle or carton or piece of fruit I come in contact with. Any 10 year old could do it. All those fancy caps do NOTHING to prevent the introduction of a hypodermic needle or some other utensil that can somehow inject poison, or bacteria, or whatever into any food or drug item. Remember when you were a kid and your folks had to inspect your candy for needles or your apples for razor blades? I’m surprised fruit and candy doesn’t come in a lead-based-bomb-proof container. And yet, our government didn’t cancel Halloween. How did THAT happen? Guess there wasn’t any money in it.

Can we please, please, PLEASE stop using the shotgun approach to solve a rifle issue? We have the safest food supply in the world. But guess what? We can’t make sure every damn lettuce leaf you eat is germ free. It just isn’t possible. Let’s just do our best and be thankful for what we have.

And if I EVER catch the little bastard that laced that Tylenol, I’ll beat his ass to a bloody stump with a bottle of aspirin. It’ll be heavy, too, because it’ll be full of pills I couldn’t take out!!