Cynical? Me?

cyn⋅ic 
1.
a person who believes that only selfishness motivates human actions and who disbelieves in or minimizes selfless acts or disinterested points of view.

Just last week, someone very near and dear to me......well ok the nearest and dearest to me, actually called me a cynic. At first I thought she was joking. Then I realized, she wasn't. There's more to that conversation, but it doesn't matter really. Just a few months ago, while on an Urban Search and Rescue deployment for Hurricane Ike, one of my team that I had attended Rookie School with said, "What the heck happened to you?" They went on to tell me I'd gone from super-softie to major grouch. The first event I shrugged off, but after last week, I realize there is a degree of truth to both observations. It's caused me to pause and take a look and I don't care for what I see.

It just kinda sneaks up on you doesn't it? Sixteen years ago I became a fireman and paramedic. I knew nothing about inner city life or life on the street in general. Then I got a first hand look for over 10 years riding one of the busiest ambulances in the city. My situation is NOT unique, so don't think I'm bragging. Quite the contrary. When I became a fireman, I was truly a soft and kind-hearted soul. I acted like it too. Today, I'm still that same person inside, but it doesn't show on the outside to the people I meet or the people I love. That is something I'm going to need to change.

The men and women I share this career with already know what I'm talking about. In our line of work, we generally only see people at their worst. Every person you run into for 24 to 48 hours at a time is having a rotten day. They all want something from you. Some people actually NEED help, but not many. Most just call 911 because they feel it's owed them. What happens after seeing only the bad side of folks for such a long time is, you start to look for the bad in everyone, because you come to expect it. Pretty soon, all you see is bad. It becomes habit. Then one day you wake up, and you're a cynic. All you see is what people want from you and you see their selfish motivations. And before you know it, you ARE those people. At least that's how it's happened to me.

It happens in the smallest ways. You say something snide about a person at Walmart (see earlier entry), you cuss every person on the highway that isn't driving at your speed or in the correct lane. You learn to keep your head down while you're out for a jog because you've learned to think the person running in your direction is going to ask you for loose change. Or worse yet, you figure they're not going to say anything so why should you! It's a viscious cycle. How many of you have a privacy fence in your back yard? We're all building little bubbles around us as a protection mechanism and it's ruining us.

So today, I'm going to thank that amazing person for having the courage to speak the truth. And then I'm going to do this. I'm going to do my best to look for a reason the guy in front of me is driving like an idiot. Perhaps HE'S having a bad day. Instead of cussing him, I'm going to send a message to the universe to look out for him. I'm going to say nice things about people and I'm going to say hello and good morning and good job! I won't bat 1000, but I'm going to try and do better. I need to remember that I'm not the only person on the planet and there is good in everyone. I just need to look for it. Thats what I used to do.

And besides....I don't want my cynicism to cost me someone dear. Life is too short.