Faces of Fear

"Anger is merely the manifestation of fear" - Unknown -

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those that do not recover are those that cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program; usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves."  -The Big Book -  (No, not THAT big book)

I can still clearly picture myself standing before the man who shared the first quote with me.  It was nearly fifteen years ago now, but I still remember it clearly.   I was seething with anger and approached him to tell him about the person or thing I was angry about.  To which he calmly asked, "What are you afraid of?"  With my mouth dangling open, my eyes bugged out and a look of undying perplexity on my face, I asked of him, "Didn't you hear me?  I am aaaaaaaaaangry at her/it."  To which he again politely asked, "What are you afraid of?"

Ok, so now I was reeeeeeeally angry......at her/it AND at him.  I double checked and indeed discovered I had been speaking English.  It wasn't the Queen's English, but close enough he should have understood.  As it turns out, he understood perfectly.  And soon, I would too.

As he so eloquently pointed out, all anger is born of fear.  It took a while for the concept to soak in to my thicker-than-normal skull, but I was, indeed afraid.  I was angry because I was afraid I didn't have control over the thing I was angry about.  I was afraid things might not go my way.  Things might not turn out the way I planned.  I feared LOTS of things, but it took this seemingly benign conversation to make me think about things in a different way.

For example, I'm slightly prone to becoming irritated at drivers who are traveling "too slow" in the passing lane.  I don't reach a road rage level, but I can feel the temperature rise as they casually make it impossible to get around them so that I can get where I need to go at the speed I think is best.  But of what is that anger born?  Fear.  Fear of not arriving on time and how that might look.  Fear of giving control to another driver.  Fear of...................well, you get the picture.  Since the day of that conversation with the man who didn't understand, every single anger-event I've ever experienced can be traced straight back to fear.  There are no exceptions; at least not for me.  How about you?  I'm gambling that if you could be completely honest with yourself, you'd find the same to be true for you.  It just takes a little practice.

Of course, there are other types of fear and they paralyze each of us in different ways every day.  Some fears hold us back from something we really want.  Other fears motivate us to DO something.  Are you afraid to ask that pretty girl (or handsome guy) for a date?  What are you afraid of?  Have you always wanted a Jeep?  (yeah, yeah I know).  What's stopping you?  Fear of the payment?  Fear of the criticism; the practicality?  Want to climb a mountain or learn to scuba dive or maybe even take Salsa lessons?  You can use time and money for an excuse, but if you look veeeeeery closely, the root is fear.

Here is a question I was taught to ask myself.  Take it for what it's worth.  "If I do ____________(fill in the blank) what is the WORST possible thing that can happen?"  Hmmmm, well let's see.  I've always wanted to ask my boss for a raise.  If I do that he might get angry and fire me.  Then I'll lose my house, live on the street, starve to death and eventually die.  That is the WORST that can happen.  If I can live with the worst, and expect the best, then it's time to make a move.  The truth is, maybe I'll just get that raise.   In fact, I EXPECT to get it.  We can play this little game all night long, but you can apply the principle to nearly anything.

Here's the thing.  Next time you're angry, be brutally honest with yourself and look to what you fear.  There is where your answer lies.  Do you have an unfulfilled dream?  I'd bet my next paycheck (raise or not) that if you're again brutally honest, you'll find that fear in some form is holding you back.  Don't let that happen.  I beg you.  Live your dream.  Dig deep and expect the best.  It's going to happen for you I promise.

Just face your fear.